A Look Back... Panic

Written May 1 (Almost 10 weeks)

With this pregnancy, I had pretty much been feeling like crap since about 5-6 weeks, so for the last month or so.  I was nauseous all day, every day.  I've even puked a few times.  I probably could have more if I'd tried.  It's amazing how much better you feel afterwards.   I've been so tired.  Boobs are uncomfortable.  Pretty much all of the pregnancy symptoms.... I had them.  Fun stuff.  BUT, to me that was a GOOD sign... as long as I was feeling pregnant, I wasn't as anxious.

Then...

It all stopped.

Literally, over the weekend of April 27th, ALL of my symptoms just disappeared.  I completely lost it.  I was an emotional wreck and had 100% convinced myself that I was miscarrying again.  I was praying like crazy for peace of mind, but I was just SO convinced that it was happening all over again.  It was the absolute worst feeling, and the only reason my nausea returned was because I was so sick to my stomach with nerves.  I called the doctor first thing Monday morning and they were so kind to let me come in on Tuesday morning for an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay.  Our first appointment wasn't for another 2.5 weeks, and there was no way I could wait that long.  I was already planning how to tell our family that we'd lost another baby.  It was just awful.  As my cousin Kristine reminded me, Satan preys on us in our weak moments, and he certainly knew what my weakness was and was doing everything he could to keep me from giving my fear to God and having peace of mind.

The tech doing the ultrasound was the same one that had to deliver the bad news last fall.  I think she was nervous for me too.  I think her job would be so fun most of the time, but just heartbreaking the other times.  Anyways, she started her exam and as soon as I heard that heartbeat, I just broke into tears.  It was the most beautiful sound.  It was very strong at 180 bpm.  I have never been so relieved.  I didn't leave without hugging the ultrasound tech.  :-)   I guess I should just consider myself lucky that my symptoms are gone (for the most part), but I don't know if it was worth the emotional roller coaster they put me on.  I am just SO thankful that they were able to give me that piece of mind.  I wasn't myself for a couple days.  I was becoming reclusive and almost starting to mourn the loss of a baby that I didn't even know if I had lost yet. 

 

After this appointment was really the first time I really felt like I was allowed to be excited.  I was almost 10 weeks, we had seen the heartbeat twice (once at almost 7 weeks and then with this appointment), and that heartbeat had been very strong.  I wasn't quite as secretive about telling people but certainly wasn't posting anything on Facebook quite yet.  Our next appointment is May 15th, and I'll be right at the 12 week mark, so assuming everything checks out at that point, I'll probably feel pretty good about going public with our news.