PassionNOT

***It was brought to my attention that apparently this post makes it sound like I am falling apart... I just wanted to let everyone know that I am great and this is just a little venting that I needed to let out.***

Okay, so I do know how to spell "passionate"... but this post is called "passionNOT."

So...right now we are in teal and dove season. For those that don't know, teal are small ducks... and they are quite delicious! Andrew is a duck hunting fanatic... it's ridiculous. He LIVES for this! For every day he doesn't have to work the hunt, he's hunting. I think last year he hunted every single day of teal season. Crazy! But, like I said, this is what he lives for. This is his passion, and I'm totally envious that he has something he is that passionate about. There are Specialists and Generalists. Specialists (doctors, for example) want to know everything there is to know about a certain topic. They are committed to it. Generalists prefer to know a little bit about a lot of things. Andrew is a Specialist for sure and I'm a Generalist. I have never really had a hobby or what not that I was truly, truly passionate about and willing (and wanting) to learn everything about it that I could. I get on little kicks where I am into something for a while, but then the passion fades. When I was younger, my life was primarily consumed with sports and youth group. In high school, I was really into dance and also had my own locker room jewelry business going. I loved making jewelry and had the entreprenuerial drive to start selling it. In college, I was all artsy-craftsy. I had a business with a guy friend called Yee-Haw Trading Company. We had a sales tax license and actually went to First Monday in Canton to sell our stuff. I hand-painted cow skulls we found out at the deer lease with Texas flags or whatever someone wanted. I also hand-painted picture frames and decorated frames with bottle caps, rope, etc. We took old shipping pallets and reset them into Texas flags that could be hung inside or on a fence. I just loved making things and then hoping someone liked them enough to want to buy them. I feel like I've written some of this before, so if this isn't news to you, I apologize.

If I had to think of one "hobby" that I have always enjoyed and have yet to get tired of, it would have to be photography. I have always LOVED taking pictures (bet you couldn't figure that one out!), but have never really taken the time to understand the art of photography. Since I haven't done that, I don't think it's really fair to claim it as a hobby. I don't know any of the technical stuff, but just love to capture moments through a lens. I know that if I did take the time to really learn the nuts and bolts of the art of photography, I would probably really, really LOVE it. Why I haven't done this yet, who knows.

I feel like I just used to be so much more driven, creative, entreprenuerial, and fearless. I don't know what happened, and I really hate that. I guess the fact that I changed my major so many times was probably a signal that I just flat out don't know what I want to do, or that I struggle to commit to anything wholeheartedly. I just feel that something is missing.I just feel like I go through the motions each day. I'm bored. I don't feel stimuated and excited by anything outside my family. I NEED something to pour my energy into. I guess this all sounds pretty crazy since we just had a baby two months ago, but these are all thoughts that have been going through my head for some time. Having a child now has been the absolute most amazing thing in my life. HE is my purpose. HE makes me excited to wake up each day to see what new thing he will do or just to see him flash that perfect, sweet little smile. HE is what I pour my energy into, BUT I need something else. Something that excites me and that I can retreat to when I want to be stimulated and feel a since of personal fufillment. I did have a sewing kick and actually did take a beginning sewing class here in Nederland. I really looked forward to that class each week and loved seeing the tangible result of my work. The dress actually turned out really good... too bad I went wrong somewhere and it doesn't fit through the chest. Oh well. Not surprisingly, I haven't sewed a thing since that class despite all the baby ideas floating around in my head. I had to light the fire under my own butt to actually sign up and go, but that was the best thing I had done for myself in a while.

I think the last sentence of that last paragraph is my problem. I really struggle with lighting that fire. I used to be comfortable just showing up for anything, but now, it's like I'm scared. What the heck?!? People that know me from high school and college know that is definitely not me. I could talk to a wall... or at least used to. I was completely okay with walking into a room full of strangers. Maybe part of my problem is that I'm out of practice. Working from home, you don't get much interaction with the outside world. You would think that you don't ever forget how to interact with new people, but I really feel like I'm kind of rusty. You know you're desperate for human interaction when you want to go to Walmart or HEB just to talk with the checkout people or random people in the aisles. Thank goodness for "friend of a friend" relationships, because I now have a new friend that went to A&M and lives in Nederland with her husband. I also met a girl in my breastfeeding class whose father used to work with Andrew. They had a little boy also the week after we did. We've been in contact as well and plan to get together soon. I hope the new relationships I have made here turn into good friendships because I really miss my girlfriends. That's another thing lacking... time with girlfriends.

We've been regulars at church for the last two years, but are just now starting to meet people. We've really wanted to be involved in some of the ministries, but nothing was really speaking to me. I went to the Ministry Fair a couple weeks ago and met some nice ladies and might be joining the Women's Guild. Of course, I had to miss the first meeting because I was already signed up for Infant CPR, but hopefully I can make the next one in October. I'm also signed up to go on the Women's ACTS Retreat in October. People camp out in the Parish Center for this, so I know it's good. I have heard nothing but amazing things about this retreat. I have heard it's spiritual impact it amazing and that you will also have friends for life once it's over. I'm really excited to put myself out there. It's definitely been a while. Now, if I can just get myself signed up for a photography class!

I continue to pray that I won't be afraid to put myself out there. I also pray that I will find something outside my family that really drives me and gives me a sense of fufillment. I think I will be a better wife and mother when I do.

***Again, I am not falling apart or depressed. I just needed to vent a little. It's sometimes my way of lighting the fire under my own butt. Reading my own posts gives me a new perspective even though I'm the one who wrote it. Putting thoughts to "paper" is the easiest way for me to think sometimes. Okay, that's all folks!***