Reflection

Wednesday was a day that I wasn't sure how I was going to feel.  This past Wednesday, May 22nd, was the due date of our little one that we won't get to meet until we are in Heaven.  After I miscarried, that was the day that I was sure I would really struggle with.

With all that's been going on around our house (fairly major remodel that I will someday get around to posting pictures of), the day really did sneak up on me.  It's actually really hard for me to even comprehend that I could have a newborn right now.  That just almost seems unreal.  They are still working on our house, and with busy season at work, I have no idea how we would have put a nursery together and still be sane.  I know it would have happened, but it's still just a little hard to comprehend. 

Surprisingly, it really wasn't as hard of a day as I thought it would be, and I have a feeling that's because we are rejoicing in knowing that God has given us another chance.  I hit the 2nd trimester mark within 1 day of our little one's due date.  I certainly think that getting pregnant again has really helped in the healing process.  But, if you've read any of my other posts lately, it has also led to a lot more fear and anxiety this time around.

I did take a few moments on Wednesday as I was driving to Houston to reflect and think about it and there was a little sadness, but as I said before, I know that His timing is perfect, even if we don't understand it.  Some day we will get to meet our other child, and won't that be a joyful experience!

My cousin Michael and his wife Rebecca were also expecting at the same time we were last fall and their due date was within days of ours.  I am THRILLED to say that she gave birth to a BIG, healthy baby boy on Monday.  What a joy to have another Morgan great-grandbaby boy!

Just wanted to say....

I know there has been a lot of sadness and worry in some of my writing lately, but I sincerely hope that I'm not bringing anyone down or causing anyone who may be pregnant to worry.  These have just been MY feelings based on why I went through last fall.

If you are pregnant, you SHOULD be excited!!!  I know I was with Carson and didn't worry at all.  If you've been through a miscarriage before, you understand why it's different the next time around just because of the increased awareness of what can happen. I am so happy to be over that initial 12-week hurdle and am so much more at peace now!! I feel better physically and emotionally, we are no longer hiding anything, and we know that our baby is developing as it should. I've accepted it's all in God's hand and I'm ready to sit back and enjoy the next 27 weeks!!

So.... BIG CONGRATS to any other mommies-to-be out there and ENJOY your pregnancy!!!

 

A Look Back... Panic

Written May 1 (Almost 10 weeks)

With this pregnancy, I had pretty much been feeling like crap since about 5-6 weeks, so for the last month or so.  I was nauseous all day, every day.  I've even puked a few times.  I probably could have more if I'd tried.  It's amazing how much better you feel afterwards.   I've been so tired.  Boobs are uncomfortable.  Pretty much all of the pregnancy symptoms.... I had them.  Fun stuff.  BUT, to me that was a GOOD sign... as long as I was feeling pregnant, I wasn't as anxious.

Then...

It all stopped.

Literally, over the weekend of April 27th, ALL of my symptoms just disappeared.  I completely lost it.  I was an emotional wreck and had 100% convinced myself that I was miscarrying again.  I was praying like crazy for peace of mind, but I was just SO convinced that it was happening all over again.  It was the absolute worst feeling, and the only reason my nausea returned was because I was so sick to my stomach with nerves.  I called the doctor first thing Monday morning and they were so kind to let me come in on Tuesday morning for an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay.  Our first appointment wasn't for another 2.5 weeks, and there was no way I could wait that long.  I was already planning how to tell our family that we'd lost another baby.  It was just awful.  As my cousin Kristine reminded me, Satan preys on us in our weak moments, and he certainly knew what my weakness was and was doing everything he could to keep me from giving my fear to God and having peace of mind.

The tech doing the ultrasound was the same one that had to deliver the bad news last fall.  I think she was nervous for me too.  I think her job would be so fun most of the time, but just heartbreaking the other times.  Anyways, she started her exam and as soon as I heard that heartbeat, I just broke into tears.  It was the most beautiful sound.  It was very strong at 180 bpm.  I have never been so relieved.  I didn't leave without hugging the ultrasound tech.  :-)   I guess I should just consider myself lucky that my symptoms are gone (for the most part), but I don't know if it was worth the emotional roller coaster they put me on.  I am just SO thankful that they were able to give me that piece of mind.  I wasn't myself for a couple days.  I was becoming reclusive and almost starting to mourn the loss of a baby that I didn't even know if I had lost yet. 

 

After this appointment was really the first time I really felt like I was allowed to be excited.  I was almost 10 weeks, we had seen the heartbeat twice (once at almost 7 weeks and then with this appointment), and that heartbeat had been very strong.  I wasn't quite as secretive about telling people but certainly wasn't posting anything on Facebook quite yet.  Our next appointment is May 15th, and I'll be right at the 12 week mark, so assuming everything checks out at that point, I'll probably feel pretty good about going public with our news.

A Look Back....Not a Fan of this Stage & a Sigh of Relief

Written 4/9/13 & 4/10/13 (Almost 7 weeks pregnant)

While I love that I'm pregnant, I HATE this stage of pregnancy.  After losing a baby this fall, I can't help but be concerned.  I constantly pray for peace of mind, but it's a weakness that I certainly struggle with.  With Carson, the thought of miscarriage almost never crossed my mind.  Now, I just have these awful feelings that something will happen again.  I know I shouldn't worry but I just feel like I got the same news as last time and am in this waiting game for bad news.  Terrible.  I know.  Last time they said my progesterone was low early on and I ended up miscarrying, so when they tell me it's low again, I immediately (as much as I don't want to) fear the worst.

I feel like a prior miscarriage robs you of your ability to enjoy pregnancy (or at least for the first 12 weeks or so).  Maybe it's just me, but I think anyone that's been through it knows that it's different the next time.

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Whew... HUGE sigh of relief today!

I have never had an ultrasound really early on with Carson, but I guess they are nicer to you after a miscarriage and want to try to give you a little piece of mind as soon as they can.  I was so nervous to go in for our ultrasound because the last time we were in that room, we did not get good news.

Well.... we got to see our {very} little nugget today and when she pointed to the heart beating I just burst into tears.  She wasn't sure if we'd be able to hear it or not, but she turned the sound up and there it was.  Music to my ears!  I was so emotional.  The heart rate was 128, which she said was very good this early on.  The baby measured 6w 5d which is right where we thought it would be.  Again, HUGE sigh of relief.  We didn't ever get to hear a heartbeat last fall.   I know that it's still early, but I finally feel a little peace about being pregnant again.   I'd hardly allowed myself to enjoy it yet or be too excited because I learned the hard way how quickly things can change.

In terms of how I've been physically feeling, well, I certainly have felt very pregnant this past week or so. I remember with Carson around weeks five and six were really the only time I ever didn't feel good. I haven't thrown up or anything but certainly do feel very nauseous, pretty much all day. I don't have much of an appetite and most hot foods are very unappealing. I prefer cold foods without a doubt.  I want fruit juices like apple or cran-grape (not orange) and smoothies. I'm pretty sure that was a craving I had with Carson too.

Surprise!!!

Now that that it is "Facebook Official", I can finally publish some of the blog posts written up to this point that have patiently been waiting in "Draft" form until we got more into the "safe zone". 
 

So, here's the first one from the day I found out we were expecting again...

 

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Certainly wasn't expecting this today (3/26/13)....

 

I didn't even realize that I was late until I looked at my calendar.  As you know, we found out we were pregnant last September and then miscarried at around 10 weeks.  Initially I thought that as soon as I had the "all clear" to start trying again, I would be ready too.  Emotionally I was ready.  I had accepted what had happened and was okay with it, but something in me just said to slow down.  There wasn't a rush.  I feel like I was in such a rush to get pregnant with #2 that I had forgotten to embrace and enjoy all the fun things we were experiencing with Carson.  I was so full of 'baby fever' that I didn't realize how much fun Carson was at this stage.  Once I realized that, I was no longer in a hurry.  Additionally, if we had gotten pregnant right off the bat, it would have meant having a baby during Andrew's busy time of year. 

 

Then, as most of you know, on December 1st, our house was broken into while we were home by a crazy, doped up guy with a knife.  After that happened, I was SO thankful I wasn't pregnant.  My stress level during that event and in the days to follow was through the roof, which definitely would not have been good for a baby.  Further, in January we started doing the work on our house to fix what was messed up, along with pretty much a full blown kitchen remodel.  There have been paint fumes, lifting stuff, LOTS of dust, stress of living in a completely disorganized house, etc.  Again, SO thankful that I wasn't pregnant when all of this was going on.  As with so many things in life, maybe in some weird way, our miscarriage in the fall was a blessing in disguise.

 

This was also my first year as a Manager at work and we have lots of new staff.  Being 8-9 months pregnant during busy season did not sound fun and leaving during busy season to go on maternity leave would have caused a little anxiety for everyone.

 

 Of course, if I had been pregnant during all of this, I know that He would have gotten me through it, but I'm just convinced that everything has happened according to His timing. 

 

We had been 'playing it safe' if you will ever since the miscarriage and thought that we'd quit playing it safe when getting pregnant meant a baby born sometime after Christmas, preferably February or really any time in the spring. 

 

Well... apparently it only takes not playing it safe one time at the right time to wind up pregnant.  I was pretty sure it was not my "fertile time", but apparently it was.  Whoops!!! ;-) I have to admit, I kind of always wanted to get pregnant that way... more fun! :-) 

 

While I am THRILLED to be blessed with being a mommy again, having lost a baby, I already feel a lot more anxiety this time around.  I don't feel like I am allowing myself to be too excited yet, which is unfortunate.  For most people, finding out you are pregnant is such an exciting time, but as excited as I am, I have never been more fearful as well.  With Carson, I think I was in pregnancy la-la land and the thought of something happening never even hardly crossed my mind.  Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

 

Please keep us in your prayers.  Pray for the health of this baby and that we can enjoy the miracle that is being created inside of me instead of fearing what could happen again.

 

I did the math with one of the online due date calculators and our due date should be somewhere between November 28th and December 3rd!  Looks like I could possibly be sharing my birthday with this little one or we could be having Thanksgiving in the hospital!

 

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I'm so glad the Big Brother shirt I bought last fall still fit!  I was hopeful he'd be able to wear it again soon, and he got to!