Getting Real

For some reason none of this baby business has seemed that real yet.  It's really real to me that I am carrying a baby and that she's very much alive and well.  How can you not when you are this big and feel her moving all the time??  The nursery is {finally} coming together.   I've also been making bows for heaven's sake {after I realized we didn't have any!}!  It's more that she'll be here at any minute that's not real yet.  I think I'm in complete denial that this time next week, there is a really good chance I will have a newborn.  Really at any minute, I could be in labor.  Denial is probably not the right word, but you can probably see where I'm coming from... it's just FLOWN by and snuck up on us so fast.  (Maybe not to Andrew who said I've been crazy this whole pregnancy... ha!)

As excited as I am, I'm also sad that my time with just Carson is ending.  I feel like we need to have some big hoopla or something before his baby sister gets here.  My dad always made fun of me because I always used the excuse in junior high and high school, or when I came home from college.... "But this is the LAST time we'll get to....... or the LAST time I'll see so & so...."   I'm feeling that way with Carson.... shouldn't we actually have a REAL family portrait done of just the 3 of us (yes, haven't done that), should we take him somewhere super fun, should he even be in school right now or should he be home with me?  He's been my only baby for over 3 years.  He has been what I've poured almost every ounce of my energy into.  He's what's brought so much joy into our lives.  He's also been the source of occasional frustration and exhaustion.  He's my little buddy.  He's my little snugglemunster.  I know he's excited and will be a great big brother, but I also know his world is about to be turned upside down... hopefully in a good way in his mind.

We've been good lately about making him sleep in his bed, but I did take the little childproof door thingy off and every morning somewhere between 6-6:30, he comes into our room, 1/2 asleep, dragging his green blanky and his stuffed animal de jour.  He crawls up in our bed and tells me to snuggle him.  He burrows his head in my chest, and I rest my head just slightly on top of his.  He's usually holding my hand too.  I just LOVE this time with him.  He loves it too.  It's just that "Mommy, I just want to be with you" time.  We don't have to be crashing race cars, or getting up and down a million times off the floor, we just ARE.  Last night was the first night in quite a while that he came in before the morning.  I think he tripped over one of the dogs or something because the first we heard him was when he was crying an laying in the dog bed on the floor by our bed.  Andrew scooped him up and he just snuggled right in with us and didn't move or make a peep all night.  I just watched him sleep for a while.  So peaceful.  So perfect.  I don't ever want to forget his precious little face right now.  Those sweet cheeks and nose.  Those little lips that love to give me kisses.   Those little hands that love to hold mine.  I definitely found myself getting a little emotional.  I feel like he's been reaching out a lot lately and just "needs me."  I think he senses that things are about to change.  A child's intuition is really pretty amazing.  He did call it that he was getting a baby sister vs. brother.  He was adamant all along that it was a girl.  I read a little article/blog post this morning called, "Maybe Your Two-Year Old Just Needs You."  I totally felt like this mom who tended to rush bedtime many nights and has missed out on so many of those special moments.  He always wants us to lay with him for a while, but we tend to just do it while we are reading, saying prayers, and then singing.  As soon as that song is over, we are out.  We need to slow down a little.   I don't think there's any harm in laying there with him for a few more minutes if he wants us to.  There are plenty of nights where he's ready to go to sleep, but if he wants me to lay with him for just a few more minutes, I think I'm going to start indulging.  He's obviously telling me something.  I will never get these sweet moments back.  It already kills me how much of a big boy he is.  SLOW DOWN!!!

There is a good chance this will be our last baby, so I hope I take it all in better than I did with Carson.  I knew we always wanted a #2 and assumed it would happen, so I think in the back of my mind, I always thought "I'll get to do this again" and maybe didn't take in all those moments as much as I should have. 

Anyways.... just a little emotional rambling by a preggo.  :-)