Harder Than I Thought...

Okay, so last week dropping Carson at Mothers Day Out was no big deal. It was in our church nursery, he's been there before, it's only from 9-2pm, it's only two days a week.... NO.BIG.DEAL. He was fine. He played great... didn't really nap great though. For his first day, he did good. Apparently, he was "getting cross" right before I picked him up. Well, a 20 minute nap will do that to ya!

Here's a few pics from his first {and only} day at MDO...

Daddy's 1st lunchbox


Healthy lunch of chicken, broccoli, & Nilla wafers for dessert


Minor tantrum before we left


Best pic we could get {thanks, humidity}


In the car...


Blanket - check, Stitches the Bear - check, Lunch - check, Backpack - check


Hugging his new friend...


Sharing with his new friend...


My Sweety


Giving Mommy {with no makeup, yuck!} some sugar before she left...



Well, this weekend I got an e-mail from our nanny that Tuesday would be her last day. OH. WOW. I was already considering putting Carson in full time day care or preschool when he was 18 months...in January...NOT next week. The more I thought about it, I actually started to get excited. Not that my kid wouldn't be at home, it was more that we could actually have a schedule and that I wouldn't be so distracted. I thought it would be better for both of us. Yes, he is on a schedule now. I'm the one that's not. One of the "perks" {or "cons" in my opinion} of working from home is that you aren't forced to get up at a certain time, take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and then get out the door to actually BE somewhere at a certain time. Working from home leads to laziness... or at least for me it does. So, I was actually "excited" about getting Carson up and taking him to "school" so that I would have a full day of quiet in order to actually get some real work done. It wasn't until the first day of MDO that I realized how loud it was around here.

Well, of course just about every place I call has a waiting list or they want them to be 18 months or they are only from 9-2pm. I found two places that had one opening in Carson's age group. One was a church preschool/day care where a friend from church sends her kids. She also has friends whose kids go there, and I've had other friends of friends recommend it. So, I went to check it out. I don't think I'm ready for this. I need more time. I need choices. As much as I often get a little annoyed if he's crying during the day, the silence is sometimes too much. I like his little sounds, even if I'm on the other side of the door and don't get to see him. The 12-18 month kids only have one nap time from 12:00pm - 2:30pm and already sleep on mats. Really? I'm pretty sure that won't go over too well. The teachers said the kids all adjusted fairly easily. I'll believe it when I see it.

The more I think about it, I feel GUILTY. I don't know why. Tons of people send their kids to day care. He still just seems so little. I feel like I'm sending him off to an institution. I don't know if my hesitation comes from just not wanting to push him into a daycare and just worrying that he won't do well or if I didn't like the place. All of the ladies seemed nice, it was clean, the kids seemed to be acting well behaved. They have a great record with the state and have been in business a long time. I also have several personal recommendations. I think I picked a bad time to go. It was right after then had been playing outside and were just about to go down for a nap. I don't know if the kids in his class were all just that tired, or if they were bored. I don't want him to be bored. I want him to learn and play. I don't want to make a wrong decision, but at this point, I don't have time. I don't have other options really. I trust my friend's opinion since she's had kids there since 2004 and liked it and not had any issues. I just know how HUGE of a transition this is going to be for Carson, and I was really hoping it didn't have to be so sudden. The "plan" was for him to go to MDO two days a week until January and THEN transition into something more full time. I don't even know what questions to ask. I feel like I'm just throwing him in the first place that will take him and that's CERTAINLY not what I want to do. How else are you supposed to feel when you don't have options? I've gone over and over the State website with all the inspection reports and didn't even think twice about calling any that had any more than a minor, minor infraction that had already been corrected. I was actually amazed at the number of "deficiencies" that some had...and then you read the detail. Scary.

I think a HUGE part of the guilt just comes from the fear that I will no longer be in control. Even though he's been under the care of a nanny since he was about 5 months old, I've been here. I've seen and heard everything. I had that comfort. You don't get that when you drive away from a day care.

Please pray for us that we will make the right decision for Carson. Please pray that Carson will make this transition as smoothly as possible. My hope is that the preschool just around the corner that is run by a lady at church will have an opening for him in January. Then again, he may end up loving this place. He will transition to a new room at 18 months, so the timing would be good to move him if necessary.

My heart already hurts that I won't be able to see him any time I want during the day. I guarantee you, I'll be crying when I drop him off next week. I've already cried about it today. This is definitely harder than I thought...