Tested

So Carson officially tested my patience more than ever yesterday. I know that it's probably ridiculous that the majority of it was over a haircut, but it has been so unbelievably frustrating.

We went to try to get a haircut TWICE and still only have half of a haircut. In the past I've been able to do little trims at home in between, but not today. Unfortunately, I think we may have passed a point where he's now officially traumatized and has a phobia of haircuts. He's not just a kid that's crying, he is hysterical and is genuinely terrified of scissors. I regret how we've handled some of the haircuts in the past (essentially held him in a bear hug while he screamed bloody murder) because I know we just made it worse, but I was so set that he HAD to get it cut that I wasn't thinking what long-term implications this would have. I think it's going to take a long time and take lots of baby steps for him to ever be comfortable again.  Oh, I so wish he still had those precious curls so that it would actually look cute long.  I'm just going to have to deal with the ragamuffin look.  Like I said, this is going to take some serious baby steps and "therapy" to overcome.

Oh, and the whining in general. Don't even get me started on the whining. 

I was not proud of myself yesterday.  I usually am good at not overreacting to Carson's behavior, but  I certainly lost my patience more than once yesterday. 

I don't think I realized how tired I was until I talked to my mom on the phone last night. I definitely had one of those mommy breakdowns. Between the trials of a very hard headed toddler, certain work engagements that seem to NEVER end, being pregnant, our disaster of a house, and other family matters, I finally just had a good cry.   Like I said, I don't think I realized how emotionally frustrated I was until I started talking it out with my mom.  I don't think I've had the time to process my thoughts and so I just broke down. 

I really wish a sabbatical was a realistic option. I could certainly use one. What sounds so nice right now would just be a night or two at a nice hotel...with the spa, of course! I need two of these, one alone and one with Andrew. When I get overwhelmed and worn out, I lose all motivation to actually get things done. That's totally where I am right now.  I need to recharge.  Bad.

I hate when I get into these little slumps because I know how many blessings I do have and I feel stupid for ever feeling like I actually have it rough.  I don't.   I just have to remind myself that everyone goes through these periods and that it's normal, AND that is SO important to recharge.  I know that I can't be the wife and mommy I need to be when I feel like this.

Some of the work projects are {hopefully} ending soon, and I do have a little PTO on the calendar, so I just hope that I can actually take advantage of that time off and truly recharge a bit.  I need to get out of this house....without a computer... and with a little help with Carson.  I'm certainly wondering how in the world people do it with more than one.... I guess I'll find out soon enough. 

To end on a lighter note, Carson was unbelievably sweet to me yesterday when I put him to bed (which was a MUCH shorter process than usual - no bath, only one book, short prayers, and no singing).   A little while later he did cry out for me to come rock him and sing.  That it usually such a special time for us each night, and I felt guilty for pretty much skipping it because I just wanted that part of my day to end.  Afterwards, he gave me the biggest hug and kiss... so at least he still loves me. :-)