As I'm winding down this whole breastfeeding thing, I'm finding myself sad. I thought I'd be jumping up and down with joy on the day I could put my pump away. Yesterday, I pumped when I woke up and before I went to bed. That was it. It was weird. While I was pumping, I found myself sad and wondering if I was really ready to move on to this next phase, one where my baby wasn't physically dependent on me. Even though he hasn't actually nursed in months, I think there is still this emotional connection to the whole concept that you are still providing nourishment to your baby that no one else can. I'm tearing up now... what the heck?!?! Please tell me it's hormones or something! I guess this is just the first of many stages we will pass through as he grows up. I'm seeing how "letting go" to a parent is so hard.
I'm SO thankful that we just gradually quit nursing, and I wasn't really aware that he was weaning himself. I think if I had known at a certain point that it was the last time he would nurse, I probably wouldn't have wanted to stop. I'm not good with "last times." I know my Dad can vouch for this. How many times did he hear me say in high school that this would be the LAST time we'd all get to go out together before we leave for college???...I just HAD to go. :-) That was my excuse for wanting to do everything... but it's the LAST time. I think that's why I struggle so much at funerals if there is an open casket. The thought that it's the last time (on Earth) that I will physically see that person's face is really hard for me to deal with. I think I'd rather just try to hang on to a last memory versus coming to terms that I will never physically see the person on Earth again. Okay, wow... how did I go from breastfeeding to funerals?
Anyways, I know it will get easier. I just have to accept that our little boy is growing up and becoming more independent every day. Of course, I know he still needs me. If he gets scared or is unsure of a situation, he clings to me and just hugs me with his whole body, arms and legs...and I LOVE it.
With the end of pumping, I am losing my quiet time. It was nice to just say, "Oh, gotta go pump." :-) That was often my chance to read or watch TV alone. I will miss that. What am I going to do with all this new free time, you ask??? Well... NOW I don't have an excuse to not work out. Yep, sadly I can honestly probably count on one (maybe two) hands the number of times I have really worked out (excluding walking) since I found out I was pregnant. Yeah, it's pathetic. I can no longer use the excuse that I am burning 600 calories a day by breastfeeding. I guess I have to watch what I eat a little bit more now.
Did anyone else get a little emotional during the weaning process or am I the only nut job?
Happy Wednesday!
I can say without a doubt that you are not a nut job. :-) Most mommies I know are emotional about nursing and "the end." I, too, anticipate a tearful end but know that G will forever need me -- the ways in which he does will simply change.
ReplyDeleteGirl I am right there with you! While the idea of freedom is amazing, it's so crazy to think that they are big enough to let go and not be so dependent on us! We are going to be a MESS at graduations and their wedding!!! :)
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